I don’t know what love is

Past 4 years, I have been tested you when you’re busy, don’t text me much, not here with me when I need you, can’t attention to me or when you can’t satisfy me.

I’m not sure if it’s a sign that you don’t love me or you want to leave me, especially you leave without word or disappear. So I will always try my best to attract your attention in any way, piss you off, say something bad, break up, text other girls and then tell you, or I will mess anything up.

Sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I can’t be sure if on purpose. And I will see your reactions when we both know I’m the worst person, you will tired of me, leave me, or you will still accept me, always love me. Test you in a bad way when I didn’t mean it that way, I fear people I love abandon me, so I fear you abandon me even you said you will never do it.

I’m selfish, ask you change only. You are right, this relationship is always about me alone, don’t want to let go, and also try to force you to be my perfect, ideal partner.

It didn’t just happen today, it didn’t just happen only to you, it been 15 years, you are the only one still stay here and never leave, sometimes I feel so weird it’s not possible, guess maybe you have quirks, such as you are very dirty, that’s why you can’t leave when finally you found a person loves you.

Honestly speaking I don’t think I know what love is, I admit I don’t know how to building a healthy relationship and I don’t know how to love you, I’m not young anymore but I feel like a child. I said I need to therapy, it’s because I can’t help myself at all, I have no idea help myself at all. So far your help only you accept me, tolerate me and understanding in the unfair treatment you face, don’t you feel that way? But I need a professional, a psychotherapist will guide me, teach me, training me and let’s see we will work it out together, not always you try hard to handle in our relationship.

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